Polyhedron Meditation

by Mathew O’Neill

PROLOGUE

I suppose it began there in that minimally furnished room lit by the warmth of the midday sun; I had been taken there to be tested and observed for signs of defect. As I sat in the corner she softly and calmly asked me why I hadn’t been doing my math homework, I knew not how to tell her the way insipid black lines piled up on pages and had no bearing to me at this point in time. She smiled at my nervous silence as she presented me with colored blocks and had me arrange them in different presentations as sand ran from a ornately shaped plastic timer. Then she sent me to the wooden table where a bespectacled youth sat waiting impatiently for her to bring over 2 big pieces of paper. I waited for her to leave to ask what it was we were being handed. “Monster mazes” he gasped in, hyperventilating.

The huge piece of paper was covered in intricate lines seeming to spiral around the page to the center where a hideous archaic beast waited. I read the foreboding story atop the page which warned of the beasts near invincibility only matched by a powerful weapon which was also conveniently located within the maze. Time passed and my visits to that room became sparse until one day she vanished. As more time passed, memories of my youth playing Magic the Gathering at friends’ houses, reading “The Hobbit” after school in the library while waiting for my math tutor, and recreating scenes out of Alexander Lloyd’s “The Book of Three” in Shenandoah National Park drifted from the peripheries of thought into focus. Even my hazier adolescent moments with certain fungus at the renaissance festival foreshadowed the coming experience.

THE PRESENT

Perhaps it was due to the stereotyping, or the stigma attached to those who played back then, or maybe the actual game itself, but for many years I avoided and even shunned it. It wasn’t till many years later (December 2010 to be exact) that a group of my friends hesitantly entertained the idea of  playing “Dungeons & Dragons.” Each of us meekly mumbled our ideas about the game, waiting to see what the others thought; surprisingly there was an overwhelming interest in playing…this built from a mere interest into a chosen date with a few books, dice, and a bottle of mead. We sat there around the table not as a bunch of pimpled geeks with no future promise but as a biochemist dungeon master, a Clarkson graduated rogue, a future GM employed cleric and a troubled yet talented wizard.

THE GAME

The first thing you do before playing is create a character; strengths and abilities are determined by race (dwarf, elf, human etc.) or class (i.e. warrior, rogue, mage) all of which is done by an introduction from the starter set which teaches you how to play via story where you pick various options which shape your character. The game is determined by the dungeon master who oversees the players’ interactions with the imaginary realm. Just like reality, what you can and can’t do is governed by chance and ability; for instance, if you want to move a large rock in the game you would do a skill check of strength plus your ability modifier, which would constitute your ability to move the rock, and the roll of a polyhedron dice would determine randomly whether or not you were successful.

One main focus of the game is the series of encounters in which are you are limited to a minor action, move action and standard action. For example: I would grunt and draw my sword, move forward towards my attacker at a rate based on my speed (the number of spaces you move each turn) and then attack or use a magical ability. However, you don’t always have to fight – we were able to use our diplomacy skills and convince a bear-sized dragon to give us a magical suit of armor. We are totally coming back to snatch his gold after we level up and get stronger.

where the band got its name

There are boundless things you can do and interact with if you have the imagination and a worthy dungeon master, which is what I enjoy about this game. True, there are limits such as your characters’ fallacies and/or time which is needed in large amounts to have a truly engaging adventure, but aside from these minor setbacks there exists a game governed by its own reasonable laws and rules. There are so many games out there based on the skeleton of D&D like Diablo 2, Final Fantasy, and World of Warcraft, all good, but all fall short. Why? Why are books better than movies? Things today such as the aforementioned games lack a certain degree of personal intimacy, where in D&D they give you a set of rules but the rest is based purely on the limits of your imagination. You are creating the world and action in your mind, where you can go crazy with minute intricacy.

Also, D&D has a latent secondary function as a sort of exercise for your brain…no, seriously. D&D combines simple mathematics, strategy, communication, memorization, storytelling and imagination… imagine how many areas of your brain you’d be using. It’s a shame they’re not using it elementary schools; it would be interesting to see if it could be used as a learning device, although it has a dark potential, ahem WoW people *cough* … I digress. I am in no way saying that everyone should play, for it might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Different strokes fo’ different folks is the motto I live by. When it boils down to it, it’s just the same as anything else people do as a group: some people get together and go bowling, I scribble on paper and role dice. It’s simply a variant of required human interaction, nothing freakish or weird about that. I will end this by saying here that that long journey that started in those primitive mazes has come full circle into a fun and engaging pastime with friends.  It’s strange to think that it all started with the smile of a kind woman…

source:

http://www.canonfire.com/wiki/images/9/9b/Baer%26Sego%26Fland.JPG

http://www.icoachmath.com/Sitemap/images/Regular%20Polyhedron1.jpg

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1224/1435044556_7f9b6bef33.jpg

http://www.criticalgamers.com/archives/pictures/DnD.5.6.06.jpg

So This Christmas Thing….

by Mathew O’Neill

I have noticed this year (more so than previous years) just how much our capitalistic based culture can change our holidays into mandatory consumption of goods.

Anyways… this Christmas two movies have shown me just how weird and mutated this once wholesome holiday has become.

1.) Tim and Eric Chrimbus Special

It’s a big commercial trying to get you to buy their Chrimbus special which is a commercial trying to get you to buy their Chrimbus special… genius.

2.) The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

Okay, this movie is pure insanity: immortal gods, lion moms, and feudal fiefdoms outside of the Rocky Mountains. I think I understand how gods are born:

  • Santa’s a nice guy who gave out presents to kids
  • Santa’s a guy with a special workshop and takes the presents to kids with a sleigh
  • Santa’s a guy who has an elf workshop and flying reindeer and goes down chimneys

5,ooo retellings later…

  • Santa was raised by a lioness, fought monsters and then was granted immortality by the gods (basically the plot of this movie)

PS Thanks Leah!

The “Beast” of Yucca Flats

by Mathew O’Neill

l

The woods were dark and unpopulated, the flashlight reflected off the tired eyes that lurked in the forest. The wind had started to howl and it began to faintly snow; I turned off the flashlight and let the shadowy landscape pop in to my field of visibility. The stark contrast between the pitch black cold wilderness and the bright warmth gave way to a strange viewing experience. A stern, old-timey-sounding narrator droned on absurdly about nuclear fears as an escaping Tor Johnson’s gunt jiggled. This movie was awesome!

There really wasn’t much of a plot behind The Beast of Yucca Flats, other than radiation making scientists turn into slow moving killers. The first thing you notice other than the narrator’s inherent insanity is the horrible dubbing. This film had a very numb and lifeless feel to it, things just sort of happened out of the sheer need to end the movie instead of things coming together through the film’s own mechanisms.

l

There is an eerie unsettling quality to this film, I get the image of a deranged Coleman Francis nervously sweating, wildly gesticulating, thinking: this is going to be a great movie. There is a pioneering feel to it; a delusional director dragging actors into the Californian desert trying to create something great. The Californian desert serves as a perfect backdrop for the madness; when I was younger I recall the desert looking like a barren alien world as I had grown up in the east. If you are looking for the early weirdness of Hollywood look no further, here it is in it’s majesty: Hollywood trash in the days before they hid it in the bargain bins.

SOURCES:

http://www.steve-calvert.co.uk/pub-dom/imgs/the-beast-of-yucca-flats/the-beast-of-yucca-flats.jpg

http://alternativechronicle.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/beastofyuccaflats129.jpg?w=300

C.H.U.D.S!!!!!!!!!!!

by Mathew O’Neill

I remember as though it were yesterday. The smoke cleared and I had decided to watch some Youtube.  My search for entertainment ended in me watching the latest  Ya’ll So Stupid. “Devin Flynn is the man! But what the fuck is a C.H.U.D.?”  I had chuckled.   So recently I decided to sit down and see what it was all about…

SHOW ME YO C.H.U.D. FACE!!!!!!!!

MOVIE LOG: Oct, 2, 2010

FILM: C.H.U.D. Circa 1984

SUSTENANCE:

I knew it would be a journey into the depths of dreck so I decided to dispel the bad taste with the good:

Beverage: Pliny the Elder beer

Food: this

mmmmmmmmmmm

Journal:

I linked the numerals to youtube so you can, in essence, watch it with me? Creepy fun weird!

I.

0:01- Awesome soundtrack! bah da da shhh!

0:51- Mmmm tortas de aceite de Ines Rosales

1:16- C.H.U.D.!!!!

2:30- Mannequin lady!!!!

3:17- Spy mode!!

3:38- Pretentious message.

5:00 Why are you talking to it? Pick up the damn phone. Why waste all that effort on a fake conversation when you could have just as easily had one?

5:05- Eww, ass pimples.

8:43- Boxes and a dark bloody hole. Virginity symbolism?

How come important people always have red phones in movies?

II.

1:39- The scariest thing so far. perhaps scarier than the chud.

7:32- I hate poets.

9:33 – Suck a duck? The fuck says that anyway? Were all 80′s movies written by people who didn’t know how to swear correctly?

III.

3:40- Finally! Tasteful black-face

4:57 – Nice “o” face!!

9:37 – For a second it seemed feasible in the movie

IV.

1:11- Bop it!

1:24 – You’re down in the sewer, it could be a toilet flushing. Eh? Eeeeeeh? *tension mounts*

5:08- First chud!

5:57 – Bosch means business, you can tell by the sparkly techno.

6:01 -Did she just growl/grunt?

V.

7:30- How awesome would it be if he said ” I’m making a collect call to your  butt!” AHAH ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa…

VI.

0:52-Coffee awkward moment EG: Barista sees your backpack, asks why you’re not in school, you tell him you are 23 and you both know it’s your height= Coffee awkward moment.

1:11-That guy’s trying really hard not to laugh. I just did.

VII was the best Final Fantasy! and here is that part of the movie, VII,  not the best.

0:18 – Wilsooooon! Castaway totally stole that from C.H.U.D.!!! FUCK YOU, TOM HANKS!

3:21 – I hear a rave?

3:59- Oh shit.

5:57 – My friend has a maltese. His parents have taken down all his pictures and replaced them with this.

6:41 -”My god it’s his wife, shiiiiit!”

8:52- Why would you shower after  calling the police? What if they come while you’re in there?

VIII.

0:56- John fucking Goodman!!!!

IX.

2:28- Omg! Dead bodies!! Let’s roll around in them!!!!

3:33- The coffee guy!!!

X.

2:07- C.H.U.D. takes another meaning. 2 C.H.U.D.s????!!!

4:30- Wouldn’t the explosion have been bigger?? Remember they used gas.

5:44- What the fuckkkkk

VERDICT: Eh.

EPILOGUE:

I sorta miss 80′s monsters. There was something fun, surreal and frightening about them; magic that can never be duplicated. That fuckin wolf thing from Never Ending Story was like the creepiest shit ever… cherry cherry boom boom. God damn song stuck in my head!!!!! DAMN YOU GAGA!!!!

O.O

Biblio:

http://www.badmovies.org/

http://www.youtube.com/user/jchintube

http://www.youtube.com/user/ooomaga

http://foodonfifth.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/img_4771.jpg

http://laissezfare.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/the-nothing-from-the-neverending-story.jpg